For the past hour, I’ve listened to Praise and Worship music.

Yes, that’s unusual for me. That’s VERY unusual for me. As someone that has continually struggled with their faith, going back and listening to a large chunk of music devoted to the faith you left behind is a little strange.

In truth, I felt a little embarrassed. I turned off my Spotify notifications on facebook; I didn’t want people to know what I was listening to. In some ways that might be understandable, but it’s made me feel incredibly…sad. Like I’ve lost a huge part of myself and I don’t know where to find it sometimes.

I was hugely involved with my high school youth group, HAVEN, at Corpus Christi Catholic church when I was younger. I loved it (and still do— the group really lived up to its name and provided me with a haven). Still, the socio-political problems within the church as a larger body make it incredibly difficult to call myself “Catholic.” So, I no longer go to mass. I pray and talk to my Creator, but attending a larger service that shares the beliefs that I do is just hard to come by.

It’s even harder because the stigma that I feel comes along with being associated with a church sometimes. Occasionally, when I catch myself talking about religion, I find that I do it in an almost apologetic manner: I’m sorry you have to know that even though I’m a young, educated woman who likes to go out and party, who identifies as a liberal, and who seeks to be as open-minded as possible, also feels a really deep connection with something greater than this. 

And I understand where the stigma comes from, I really do. Because I’ve done it myself. I’ve called people “crazy Christians,” I’ve been angry and complained about the religious right, and, to be fair, there are quite a few people that give Christianity a bad rep sometimes. So I get it. If you saw my recent playlist on Spotify and went “WTF?!” I understand that reaction.

I just wish it didn’t have to be that way sometimes. Yes, I struggle with faith, and I know that the church, that modern Christianity itself, is littered with flaws. I understand that. I AGREE with that. That said, this music not only reminds me that there is something, anything bigger than myself, but also brings back a lot of really fond memories, so everyone BE COOL.

Music was a huge part of my religious connection. I was never hugely connected to music itself, but singing with my youth group was one of the few places where it could (and still can, quite frankly) move me to tears. If I’m perfectly honest with myself, some of the aspects of Christianity and prayer did not always speak to me on a deep level. Personal conversation with a Creator was important to me, yes. Though group prayer never really touched me.

What always made me feel the closest to something transcendent, though, was song. Opening my voice to something other than it “sounding pretty,” and doing it solely because I wanted to thank the universe for a lot of fantastic blessings really forced me to consider the impetus for actions (e.g., am I doing this solely for myself, or for a bigger purpose?). Singing at church really gave me a calming place of solace for however long I did it, and I miss that sometimes.

I know that there is other music that speaks to that, and I like listening to that too. But this was the soundtrack of a really important part of my life. HAVEN was where I first learned to lead other people. It’s where I met a number of close friends that I still really care about. It’s one of the few entities of my life that really pushed me to stop being a selfish, narcissistic, self-involved teen and care about the people around me. Listening to praise and worship music brings back a lot of those peaceful feelings associated with that time.

… I don’t have an ending for this post. It’s Halloween, and despite this red-wine fueled confusion-rant, life is pretty fantastic. I am wholly blessed. I spent the weekend with fantastic folks (and, eep, in my first actually provacative costume, since I figured I don’t know how long I’m going to be in (relatively) decent shape), and even successfully put together a pretty sweet costume. Woo!