I know I have let writing fall by the wayside for a few reasons:
- I have been caught up in only writing longer pieces I feel ready to try and perfect. Better quality, but hurts quantity/creativity perhaps.
- I am trying to be better at the listening part of my job, as well as the listening part of my life. This means that (I think?) I’ve become much more quiet.
- Cheesy and disgusting, but most of the things in my head that I used to write about my boyfriend or friends out here will humor me and listen to. While my life is far from perfect, it is far from angsty and anxiety-inducing. Being with someone consistently has made me better and expressing my feelings outloud. Better for my heart, but takes away some of the desire to write.
So, here are a few things going on in my life, fairly stream of conscious-y:
- I missed church this Sunday because I got day-drunk while watching the NFL game. This is both embarrassing (I mean, I wasn’t stupid drunk, but I’m 26, darnit. Get it together!) and NOT what I wanted to do this year. I feel pretty guilty. I’m trying to pray on it. I don’t want to lose what was a deep relationship with Him over winter break just because I’m home and there are lots of distractions.
- My new apt (moved in Oct) is very loud at night due to passing motor bikes. This isn’t normally an issue. I’m a heavy sleeper, and I spend most nights at my BF’s and work here during the day, but still, I worry I made a bad choice moving here. Still, I love the location and that I can walk anywhere I need to most days.
- My whole body is sore. I did the Spartan workout day yesterday and ran today. Ouch. That said, it’s nice to be back at a place where I can’t imagine not working out in some way on a particular day. I’m also happier than I’ve been with my body in a while. I’m scared of gaining the weight back, and frustrated that this terror keeps popping up whenever I eat.
- I love my new job a whole lot. I’m very scared I’m not doing enough or not very good. Still, I often can’t believe I get to have this much pleasure and get paid to do it. I am very blessed.
- I love my family a whole lot and I miss them. There is also extreme joy and relief in being alone and not speaking to anyone for the past 4 hours. I wish I could find a better balance about this that didn’t leave me feeling guilty.
- See above, but make it about my friends. Today Shuhei commented “You’re so good at making friends!”. I told him “only on the internet.” It’s true and not. I love people, I just feel the need to control how much I see them. After a few hours, I’m just looking for an out so I can go be alone. Is this anxiety or introversion? I’m scared that I can’t tell the difference.
- I love my boyfriend a lot. He is pretty much the best. This is both awesome and terrifying. I’m scared that this kind of happiness is fleeting. I’m scared he’s going to leave.
- I miss doing yoga, but can’t afford it on top of everything else. I also love the power I feel running and doing MMA. I hope all that money I spent on Yoga Teacher Training isn’t a waste. I have to trust in God that I was moved to do it for a reason, and its use through me will come in His time.
- I got out all the things above that make me scared or upset because, in spite of them all, I’m completely happy (I was going to write “terribly happy,” but that made little sense/was contradictory/I am concerned it’s subconscious but I don’t think it is). I am so in love with my life right now. I suppose, like anything you’re in love with when you have anxiety, it’s always a balancing act. There’s the love and the intense fear that love will go away. I hope it doesn’t. Sometimes, when I’m falling asleep as PJ rubs my belly, or hanging out with a girlfriend, or running and stop and see how beautiful Diamondhead is, I just swell up with so much light and joy I want to just laugh and laugh. Not in a mean way or at anything, but just in complete gratitude and exaltation for how wonderful things can be. I just feel so blessed, and so full of thankfulness for God’s blessings.