"What's Next?"

Last March, I half-jokingly checked my horoscope for the remainder of 2011. While I will occasionally pull up cheesy online horoscopes for me, my friends, or…other people in my life (just wait for THAT blog post), I rarely put stock into it. Yes, I will admit that I hold a number of the “Libra” traits that are associated with my birthday, but I’m more amused than anything else when/if something comes of it.

So, when the horoscope for 2011 said that I would see “big changes” in the upcoming summer, and that I should expect “more-than-ripples” in my “home life,” I didn’t think much of it. In fact, in spite of the typical-horoscope language, I smiled. My life course had seemingly been set. I knew thought I knew what job I was getting, where I would live for the rest of my life, and how I would be living it. I assumed the big changes on the forefront for me in the remainder of 2011 would involve merely skipping across the large stepping stones along the very-well-crafted-plan called “Christina’s World.” (Yes, in case you’re wondering, its theme song would be sung to the tune of “Elmo’s world.”)

Well, as I’ve mentioned probably too many times, the fates had other things in store for me this year. The river swelled, and the stones across that path disappeared, leaving me soaking wet and with no idea where to step next. It has been confusing, and more-than-a-little tenuous, and for a brief time slightly unpleasant. Still, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t enjoyed diving into the water and going for a swim (like that allegory action there?). So, after jumping in with open arms, the past five months have been a whirlwind. So much so that I think I’ve tweeted/yelled HOW IS TIME MOVING SO FAST?! about 10 times in the past few months alone. So much so that I definitely just counted the months on my fingers and went Wait, SERIOUSLY?!

Now, as the year winds to a close, I’m still taking time to try and catch my breath. I have to say, it’s a lot harder when you don’t have a nice 2-3 weeks off of sitting and relaxing! Still, I can’t complain in the slightest. A year ago, these were the hopes and beliefs (the link with explanations) I wanted to hold onto in 2011:

1. Give More Love More Consistently
   
2. Take the coming days as a gift
3. My Body is a Temple
4. Potential is Unlimited
5. Words and art are part of my soul
6. Count your blessings

All and all, I think it went pretty well. I probably struggled the most with #2 during my final days of teaching. Also, even though I have become a much more focused runner, I definitely do not eat as healthy as I could (so many cheeseburgers. So much red wine). Beyond that, I am consistently pushing myself to find the merits of these 6 areas of focus in my life. I’m definitely writing and laughing more. In fact, I considered just continuing to focus on these things as I go into 2012, because I am finally at a place where I feel like I have (begun to) comfortably integrate these into my daily life.

That, however, is not how growth works. We don’t become better by doing what’s comfortable. So, with 2012 looming on the horizon in a blaze of what’s-to-come, here are the hopes and beliefs I hold with it:

1. Find Forgiveness in Anger, and Joy in Pain - This is number one because it will probably be a huge challenge. I would love 2012 to be a chance to never forget, but try and forgive those who have hurt me— even if it is solely for the sake of my own growth. Life is too short to spend it being bitter and angry, and I don’t want to live my life with a huge chip on my shoulder. As for joy in pain, that’s a whole ‘nother post for another time, but I’m essentially going to live by the motto “that which does not kill me makes me stronger.”
2. Love Without Fear - Loving someone in any capacity is scary. It means you are vulnerable to them. It means they can hurt you. It means that they will see your flaws. I remember the first time I said “I love you” to Carolina and realized that I really, truly meant that this woman was an integral part of my life; it was exhilarating to realize that a friend could mean that much to me, but it was terrifying too. I think that I’ve spent a large part of 2011 learning how to guard myself and be strong and more judicious about who I spend my time with. Keeping that in mind, I would love to love without restraint, and give without fear when the time calls for it. I think it took a special kind of strength to tell those not worthy of my time “No.” I think it’ll take another kind to tell those that ARE worthy “yes.”
3. Fail Gloriously, Be Weak When Necessary - I have never been good with failure. I have never been good at asking for help. I do not love letting people see me cry (though I do it pretty often in spite of myself). While I think this has, in some ways, made me a successful person, I think it has also held me back from pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I think that I could learn how to do these things better at appropriate times. In essence:

“And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” - Batman Begins

So. There you have it. Clearly, I have some less-life-changing goals (run 2 marathons, one sub-4, run more in general, basically just run better, and read more books), but these are the big 3 I want to push myself to do. Mind you, I have no intention of giving up the things I gained in 2011 (especially the “count your blessings” piece. Every day I am blessed).

That said, it has certainly been one hell of a year. I’m ready to meet the next one with a smile on my face and love&light in my heart. I figure if I do that as completely as I can, then I’m off to a pretty good start.