"What's Next?"

I was engaged when I was sixteen-years-old.

Well, kind of. I had what I would think is a de futuro engagement— you get a ring and you and the other person promise that, when you’re old enough, you’re going to get married. I had a ring (it was heart-shaped with crystal. I am not joking…unfortunately), and I had a guy (three years older than me) calling me his future wife.

As you can probably imagine, it didn’t work out exactly the way we planned. He went on his missionary trip (he’s Mormon, so he did a two-year stint in FL “spreading the Gospel”), and I was 16 and “in love”. Beyond the fact the the relationship was full of dysfunction already, I soon realized what was happening was bad. That, and I was 16, and fickle. The Dear-John letter was written after about a year.

Anyway, it’s not something that normally sits on the forefront of my mind. Most people know— it’s a fun-fact about crazy-young-Chrissy. With the exception of a few facebook messages and emails- I haven’t spoken with my ex-fiance since he left for Florida-via-Utah all those years ago. It has popped up recently, though, because my ex-fiancé now has a new fiancé.

Again, I wouldn’t care less (at least, negatively) about this development, normally. It was a little weird when I first found out (we had done a little planning, so it wasn’t bitter or sad, but more “OMG that was going to be ME…”), but I broke up with him what feels like a lifetime ago; so I wish them a happy life and (God-willing) less teenage dysfunction than he and I ever had.

The only reason I’ve been thinking about it, lately, is because I’ve had a few people email me saying they just heard “the news” and wanted to “see how [I was] doing”. Was I ok? Was I upset he was marrying someone else? Was I planning on getting married soon myself?

Ok, whoa, I thought to myself, I’m going to need everyone to fall back about ten steps right now. I know that, in the suburbs, we seek drama because we have nothing else to do, but did people really think I was going to be throwing a fit about this? I mean, I know was dramatic/boy-crazy/absolutely insane in high school, but goddamn, that’s a little sad (for me or for them, I’m not quite sure).

I politely emailed (most of) them back, saying that I was very happy for my ex, and that, while I was in a great long-term relationship, I had no plans to get married any time soon. I’d like to, you know, live on my own first. And live as my own independent. And graduate. And even maybe get over my intense inability to share a bathroom, much less a whole house, with someone.

Now, to be fair, I have nothing against people that marry or meet the person they end up marrying early. My parents met at 19 and have never looked back. I know a few couples that married in college (or right after) and are very happy with each other. What I couldn’t understand though, was why people thought that my ex getting married was going to pressure me to do the same. As though it was a race, and he was (apparently) winning.

It’s not an unusual sentiment, however. I’ve been reading Freeman’s The Wedding Complex for my undergraduate thesis. Freeman’s text explores how we use marriage as both a tool of belonging, as well as a tool to outcast others (mostly LGBT couples). It’s been a really interesting read, especially as of late. Society has, for the most part, turned the wedding from a sacred unionization (often religious) into either a political agenda, or a theatrical-performance-rite-of-passage. We have standards and expectations (the wedding colors, the normal course of things), and anything that deviates from the traditional white-gown wedding is looked at as “edgy”, “new-wave”, or “alternative”. While those words aren’t necessarily negatively connotated, they certainly separate different kinds of weddings (even “ethnic” weddings) into “The Other”. It has also quickly become more of an outward performance than an personal experience. So inviting others to see you get married, to SOME, has become less of a “share-this-joyous-day” moment and more of a “FUCK-YEA-I-DID-IT” ordeal.

Upon first reading, I questioned whether or not that was a bad thing. Despite what the first part of this post might lead you to believe, I really really want to get married someday. I want to wear a pretty white dress and have my dad walk me down the aisle to the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with (oh my God, I’m seriously tearing up right now, mostly about walking down the aisle with my dad). I’m in no way immune to the cheesy or sentimental. Or the fierce. My bff already knows that my wedding is going to be classy, fabulous, and the envy of many people (and will have really good cake. mmm…cake…). Is it so wrong that I too want to have that dream wedding, all the things I imagined growing up?

I don’t think it is. I think where it has become dangerous, though (yes, dangerous. my blog is srs business, guyz). Because we are not only a competitive society, as well as a hetero-coupled-focused one, but we are also an instant-gratification society. We want what we want and we want it now. Right now. And if we can’t get it, we’ll settle for the closest thing. And THAT’S where we are having an enormous problem, in my opinion. You shouldn’t settle. Not in marriage. I mean, I know that divorces are as common as leggings right now, but I’m pretty sure marriage is SUPPOSED to be a forever-kinda-thing.

So I think a big part of the problem is that we have a generation (mostly female, but some men too) that has become a little obsessed with the wedding. We saw Carrie’s fabulous dress when (she tried) to marry Big, shows like “The Bachelor” seem to show us that the insta-proposal is just an application away, and celebrity weddings are often more important than serious political events. We want the fabulous dress, the amazing cake, and the glitz and glamor. We want to win the race to make it to that rite of passage— yeah, I found someone that will marry me. I’M not going to die alone, how are YOU doing? We want all these things and, many times, are not willing to wait. Which often leads us to forego things that might be important to us, comprimise on things we shouldn’t, and fail to properly soul-search about the leap that’s about to be taken. I mean, no matter what, the two people are going to change, grow, reshape themselves while you are married. Can the two of you deal with that? Are you willing to deal with those growing pains together? Are you willing to stick around when everything pretty much totally blows? Cuz I’m pretty sure that, in marriage, there are patches (and I don’t mean a day, but long-extended periods of time) that are going to blow epic chunks. I’ve never understood how people are willing to jump into that commitment without REALLY thinknig about it. I mean, I barely am willing to deal with MY OWN drama, much less someone elses. I also have a hard time figuring out what to eat for dinner— figuring out who is going to be stuck with me for the rest of my existence needs more than a few months— more than a FEW YEARS to truly figure out. Patience is becoming more and more undervalued, and I think that, now (especially looking at our economy and what instant-gratification did to THAT) is the time to bring it back.

Anyway, I’m not planning on getting married any time soon, despite my awesome boyfriend. While my ex and his fiance are freaking out about paying for a house, getting invitations, and who to invite (probably not me), my biggest commitment right now is going to be figuring out what breed of cat I want to get. Oh, and for dinner, I’m having Chicken Tikka Masala. Or maybe I’ll make that sausage from Trader Joe’s…