"What's Next?"

My pose for the summer was hands up, embracing the world.

It’s been an interesting summer of change, rest, and transformation. For the first time in 8 years, I didn’t work this summer. A little free-lancing here and there, but beyond that, I was left to my own devices. I danced for the first time in months. I traveled a ton. I spent more time with friends.

I also really struggled with what I want in my life. I reflected on the once-dream job that was now far from the dream. I made some choices I regret. I made the horribly difficult realization that someone I love who plays a huge role in my life needed to leave it, to switch to a different role, for his sake and for mine.

And that’s hard. Change can be scary. You look back at all the pieces, all the things that seem “broken” or “gone” now and wonder if you should have worked harder. If you should have tried to fix things or make things stay the way they were.

Sometimes, though, things need to be stripped down, scrapped, and rebuilt to be better. You change your supports, find new, maybe better-fitting ones, and everyone comes out stronger.

I remember thinking about mid-June that I wanted my words for the summer to be “Fantastic,” “Phenomenal,” and “Outstanding.” I’m happy to say that I really do feel I achieved that. Now, throw in “transformative,” “challenging,” and “blessed,” and I think we’ve got it. In this time of (rapid) change, I’ve not only been thunder-struck at how loving, supporting and amazing my friends and family are at loving and caring for me, but also at how ridiculously proud and happy I feel for the person I’m letting go to forge their own trail as well.

So, as I take my final weekend before starting off a new job and ending my summer, I’m going to try to feel in my heart the joy and wonderous abandonment my hands embodied. I figure if I send out as much light and love into the world as I can and keep my mind and heart as open as possible, I’ll be doing something right.