"What's Next?"

Something will be born from
this goodbye. In the pain of
setting forth, something will die.
With the release of the old
comes a moment when nothing
is firmly held, and the unknown
burns the bridges of the past.

When the smoke clears, my eyes
seek out the new horizon.
Nothing is known here, but
the air is sweet and breathing
deeply I see long dormant
seeds send up their shoots
from the fertile ground of change.
As leaves unfurl to meet the sun,
the circle is complete.
I will not forget a single
step of this journey, nor will I
let comfort lock me
in its warm embrace.

I do not know what fruit these
seeds will bear, but I have faith
that what is taking root today
will surprise me with its vigor.
In birth and death,
in breath and the final exhalation,
there is pain and the movement
into truth. I take the step
that I am called to even if
I do not know the final destination.

Setting Forth - Danna Faulds

I am so full of blessings, love, and light for the people in my life. And I’m so excited to see where our journey’s take us next.

PS thanks to the lovely Kat Reiner for this poem.

Words and I, as you might have guessed, hold a pretty special relationship.

This is interesting, as I learned to read a little late (middle of 2nd grade) compared to a lot of my friends. Once you got me going, though, I couldn’t stop. I wrote in journals. I read voraciously (once, when I was 8, my dad tried to punish me by telling me that I could only read if it was for school. I was genuinely distraught for about an hour… until I realized that I could tell him all the books I was reading were for school. Have I mentioned I can be a horrifically sneaky person?!). For a chubby mixed-race kid with weird hair and obnoxious tendencies, books were a fantastic way for me to find a world when I felt a little disconnected in my Orange County home.

Years later, and words still govern my life. It’s interesting— when I mention to people that I have a theatre degree, few are surprised (Oh! That’s why you’re so… animated!). Then, though, comes the inevitable question: Do you wish you were an actress? Do you miss the theatre?

The answer is always no.

Now, let’s be clear. I’ve absolutely adored the work I’ve done in the arts. I will also very quickly say that I haven’t done a lot of work in the arts. What I have done, though, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed. What I think I’ve realized these past few years though was that none of the traditional things artists love about the theatre- the tense joy of rehearsal, the adrenaline rush of being onstage— were ever really things I truly enjoyed. What I loved was that acting allowed me to literally physically embody words. Performing words out loud allowed them to remove the barrier between me and the paper and have them become a part of my being. They allowed me to spend my time studying, breaking down, and figuring out the way the words I would be speaking would have a physical effect on my body. Acting, in many ways, was a way to be as intimate with words as possible.

Of course, that wasn’t always a good thing. I can still hear the magnificent Charlotte Corwnell, who was truly a transformational acting teacher, yelling at me to “stop playing the subtext!” It was a command that, frankly, I never mastered.

The other part of words I loved was trying to figure out what they meant. My other, frankly more beloved degree is in English. The time I spent breaking down words, discussing their context, and studying the meanings of text are, nerdily (not a word), some of the happiest of my life. I can’t fully explain it yet, but searching for meanings and connections in a text is like being on the most epically exciting treasure hunt of my life.

So, now I’m in a job where, while challenging and rewarding, has me use words in a new way and, honestly, a little less. Not in a bad way— I think I’m a much better writer, and much more aware of my audience (especially in a business setting). I’ve missed writing a little though. Fortunately, the fantastic folk at The SF Marathon have let me write for them. Clearly I write here. BUT, in an attempt to find a steady stride during an ever-tumultuous time, I got these three little beauts on Monday:

The Q&A Journal - 5 Years of Questions, 1 each day of the Year

The One-Line-a-Day Journal

And, maybe my favorite, the Gratitude Journal

(and yes, in case you were wondering, if you go to Amazon you CAN look inside!)

So, Words. It’s time. You and me. Let’s have a renaissance.

So, I know, it’s been a long bit of time since I’ve written. A quick and dirty update on my life and why it’s been so nuts lately:

1) I recently moved from the rack stockkeeping department (warehouse) of my job to the Export department (office). While I miss the people in my old position, this has been awesome for a number of reasons.

• The other supervisor, who is very cool, prefers to open the department. This is great because I get to work 9:45a-6:15p most days. This means I get to stay up later, actually see my friends in the evening, and run in the morning. As you can imagine, this has been a HUGE upgrade for me, so I’m pretty hyped.
• I’m learning more about how sales and marketing in my company works, including working in other parts of the world, which is really exciting.
• I finally get to wear all the sweet office clothes I bought for my job this summer. Here’s to looking classy in slacks, muthafucka.

Now, the company I work for is pretty awesome, so if they tell me jump I’m likely to say, “how high?!” That said, I’m happy that they needed me in a department that happens to work out with my lifestyle a little better. :)

2) My family is going through a bit of a time right now. I’m not going to go into it here, but any positive vibes you could send in our general direction would be awesome. Needless to say, it’s definitely made me re-prioritize and reformat a lot of things.

3) The people in my life are awesome. I adore them all very much.

Okay, moving along.

Sometimes, you find yourself at home with very little plans. Maybe because it’s a Tuesday night, or because you’re trying to get some much-needed rest, but you’ll finally make the very adult decision to not go spend money on drinks or a too-fancy-for-its-own-good restaurant.

So, you get home from work and you decide, Hey, I’m a grownass woman. I’ll make myself dinner. And you take a cue from your beautiful bff Stuti, who, last time you went to her apartment in shambles made you eat a delicious salad and pasta she made for you, and make yourself a little mini-feast for dinner (even though you did not run and ergo probably do not deserve it).

(Mini grilled cheese with basil, pasta and spicy sauce, wine)

The thing is, that glass of wine is delicious. You’re pretty tired. And now “Law and Order: SVU” is on, and your cat is snuggling you, so all of a sudden there’s napping.

But then you wake up, and it’s only 8p. You realize that, because you are somewhere in your twenties living on your own, and potentially without a real career, you lack the following things:

• Kids
• A job that requires you to be in before 8a
• Plans

Of course, you are not planning on making out with anyone tonight, because you are may be ridiculous but you are still somewhere in the realm of an adult, and you are either a) giving your significant other a much-needed respite from your nonsense or b) not going to go trolling for guys to make out with because dammit, you’re better than that fucking shit.

So, since you want to be comfortable, and because you haven’t done laundry in, let’s say, oh I don’t know, three weeks, you are walking around looking like this:

Awwww yeahh. Let’s dissect this piece of joy from top to bottom (by the way, in what Tina Fey calls a “supreme act of bravery,” I am showing you my face un-photoshopped and looking… like that). Anyway, from top to bottom:

Hair: completely undone and a little bit dry because you really need a hair cut.

Face: Definitely no make-up. Also, if you wear contacts (I can’t), you are definitely wearing glasses instead.

Clothes: “I Want to Go To There” 30 Rock T-Shirt. Coachella Sweatshirt. Shorts. Polka Dot Knee Socks. You are nailing it right now.

A Cat. Because that’s about the level of commitment you can make to caring for another living thing.

Still, you’re wearing clothes, so you may as well do something. Maybe you have a delightful friend who will let you hang out and watch television with them. So you bring the a WINE CUBE, which you just experienced last week, and that you maybe even introduced your significant other to last night.

What’s a wine cube, reader? Oh, friend.

A wine cube is a delightful little invention that keeps those two bottles of wine fresh for four weeks, enabling you to occasionally grab a glass of wine with your dinner. Your friend hasn’t had this. So, like the little box-wine fairy you are, you expose another loved one to this joy and sprinkle classy-single-glass-wine-drinking-experiences throughout the land of the other twenty somethings.

So off you go. You throw on some boots and you’re out the door.

And it’s joyous. You are young, you can drink wine and laugh with your best friend, and not care that you look ridiculous. What more can you ask for?

From @USCedu Professor Dana Gioia

New Year’s

By Dana Gioia

Let other mornings honor the miraculous.
Eternity has festivals enough.
This is the feast of our mortality,
The most mundane and human holiday.

On other days we misinterpret time,
Pretending that we live the present moment.
But can this blur, this smudgy in-between,
This tiny fissure where the future drips

Into the past, this flyspeck we call now
Be our true habitat? The present is
The leaky palm of water that we skim
From the swift, silent river slipping by.

The new year always brings us what we want
Simply by bringing us along—to see
A calendar with every day uncrossed,
A field of snow without a single footprint.

Dana Gioia spoke at my brother’s Stanford graduation, and now teaches at USC. His poetry has always spoken to me. Lovely